Mother's Day celebrates the incredible sacrifices made by so many women who raise nearly every child on earth - often alone and often unacknowledged. The really sad part of Mother's Day is that it also celebrates civilization's debasement of women as baby-makers and essentially powerless man pleasers.
It wasn't always this way.
There was a time when, in most of the world, women were the equals of men. They were co-decisionmakers. They didn't need to rely on men or outward expressions of accomplishment to obtain acknowledgement and validation. Their strength and standing were truly integral to themselves and who they were.
But civilization changed all of that. As very young girls were cut off from their Authentic Selves by needing to become "little home-makers" and not full, equal human beings, so as to supply many more workers and soldiers for the ruling class, the need arose to mark their enormous sacrifice; hence Mother's Day. The validation and acknowledgement they were forced to give up in becoming baby-makers and man pleasers was made all right through Mother's Day.
The validation that this day brings to women is greatly deserved and intrinsically right, but only if we also acknowledge the downfall in the status of women as equal human beings that civilization engendered.
The remainder of today's post is taken from my book
Liberation from the Lie. If you like what you read and see in this post and in this website, the invitation is always extended to check it out at
amazon.com.
Men and women tend to express power differently from each other. Traditionally, men have tended to express power through channels that are public and explicit, while women were expected to express power in ways that were private and implicit. Either sex would leave themselves open to ridicule if they were to express power in ways associated with the opposite sex. This has become less true in recent decades, but it is still relevant because such conditioned and stereotypical identities and behaviors are well-embedded and resistant to change. Moreover, the level of social acceptance for those who diverge from gender expectations varies greatly by place, class, age, and race of both the individual and those interacting with him or her.
Women tend to adopt Fear-Selves that reflect their normative gender “power style,“ which is subtle and private. Therefore, typical female Fear-Selves include the Pleaser, the Body Person, the Terrified One, and the Imitator. Men, on the other hand, tend towards Fear-Selves that more publicly and overtly convey their sense of potency, such as the Tough Guy, the Achiever, and the Expert. Let’s examine why this dichotomy has developed.
As civilization evolved into the vast and complex social system that characterizes our current way of life, the matriarchal societies characteristic of hunter-gatherers were usurped by the patriarchal orientation of agrarian and urban cultures. The role of women evolved from equal and decision-maker to baby-maker and nurturer. The egalitarian, non-gender-specific power structure of the hunting-gathering cultures was replaced by a male-dominant configuration whereby the most powerful male in a group made the important decisions.
This transition meant that men began to occupy the most visible social roles, while women retired to the private world of the home. Both genders faced new pressures. The visibility of men brought with it significant vulnerabilities. Any male who is unsuccessful in the public arena opens himself up to the ridicule of others and the shame he experiences as a result. Even within the hunter-gatherer context, a hunter who failed was an object of derision. For this reason, individuals whose Fear-Selves have a public focus are haunted by the fear of humiliation and shame, which evoke the pain they suffered at the formation of the Wound. A Fear-Self whose outward behavior has been “positive” can morph into a “negative” Fear-Self characterized by anger and the propensity for violence.
As it says in the Tao Te Ching:
‘Be wary of both honor and disgrace’
What does it mean, ‘Be wary of both honor and disgrace’?
Honor is founded on disgrace and disgrace is rooted in honor
Both should be avoided Both blind a man to this world
That’s why it says, ‘Be wary of both honor and disgrace’
When the Fear-Self fails, we experience humiliation and shame. We are drawn back to the Wound. In this way a “positive” Fear-Self morphs into a “negative” Fear-Self, characterized by depression and anger. The Fear-Self is created through the Wound and, over time, it will return to the Wound.
The decline in the public stature of women resulted in their development of relatively private Fear-Selves. Not having the opportunity to achieve and possess socially important positions has meant that, for the most part, women live in closer proximity to their underlying Wound. When women began to find their validation largely through maintenance of the home and the raising of children, they became subject less to public scrutiny than to the scrutiny of their men. Because they are relatively unseen and acknowledged only by a small inner circle of family, a woman’s achievements provide only a thin cover over the aching neediness of the Wound. The cost of that position has been a greater tendency toward depression and feeling psychologically and emotionally appropriated by male dominance. (Yet living in closer proximity to the Wound also allows women to live in closer proximity to their Life Force.)
Even the “female” Fear-Selves reach out for the recognition of a wider audience at times. The Pleaser, for example, gives parties and hosts other types of social affairs in order to display her domestic prowess to those outside the family. Of course, by doing so, she is also risking more public shame and humiliation if her guests perceive her efforts as less than satisfactory.
Mothers are particularly susceptible to the shame parents of either gender can feel due to failures of their children. Children who do not live up to their parents’ standards and expectations often are subject to parental anger and rejection because of the underlying message about their parents’ abilities (or lack thereof), which a child’s failure communicates to the world at large. Conversely, the public success of a child is reflected glory for the parent. In this way, children are objectified as supporters (or underminers) of our Fear-Self in its role as parent. This is a particularly ugly way the Fear-Self expresses itself between generations.
Over the last 40 years, the delineation of gender-based Fear-Selves has become less clear. With the opportunity to move past their private Fear-Self worlds, women have entered the more public domain of the traditionally male Fear-Self. Women are, therefore, more likely to develop Fear-Selves that have previously been identified as the province of men. This shift risks the disapproval of men, as well as the humiliation and shame public failure brings in its wake. However, the women who are gender-role pioneers have been afforded some protection from these Fear-Selves, since the women attracted to gender-busting roles tend to be evolved and well-adapted individuals.
Every Fear-Self contains elements of our Life Force, and some identities are an outgrowth more of a person’s authentic passion than of a need to serve the Fear-Self. For some adventurous women who thrive in conventional male roles, success can be attributed to living their lives as their authentic selves. In fields as diverse as policing and medical research, the love and passion of these women for their roles has helped them to outshine even their best male counterparts. This is especially true if the men have assumed their roles out of insecurity and a fear-based motivation to serve their Fear-Self.
When we fail to heed the call of our true love, we have chosen to live within the falsely safe confines of a Fear-Self. The more conventional a role is by gender, race, or class, the more likely it is to be occupied primarily by a Fear-Self, because when we opt for the tried and true simply out of dread of any other path, we have stepped firmly into the Fear-Self world. This is as true for the stay-at-home mother as it is for the female CEO who has broken through the corporate glass ceiling; as accurate for the man who fills a traditional male role such as soldier or scientist as it is for one who opts to spend his days as a homemaker and parent.
Thus is revealed a core principle, for men and women alike, of living a life essentially free of insecurity and fear: doing what one loves for the simple joy of doing it.
This is living the life of authentic goodness. Life calls on us to express our love and passion. Fear calls on us to protect the fragile self we falsely believe ourselves to be. We can choose to live either in the shadow of the Wound or in the bright light that burns in the heart of our authentic self.
Tags: gender, women, roles
