Jesus Speaks About Boobs: A Talk the Author Had with the Actual Jesus of Nazareth

“I can’t help it. I’m attracted to good look­ing young women with big boobs … frankly, they don’t even need to be that good looking.”

I was stunned, for these were the very words of Jesus of Nazareth. Who knew? So I explored.

“I gotta say, you’re kind of like the last per­son in the world who I’d think would make such a state­ment. Why big boobs? I don’t get it.”

I had hoped to get Jesus’ views on Darwin’s The­ory of Evo­lu­tion. I had no idea that our con­ver­sa­tion would so quickly go to boobs.

“Lis­ten. I’m incred­i­bly attracted to boobs. Is that so hard to under­stand? It’s not like I went up into the wilder­ness and pon­dered this. I just do. If you’re offended, then what can I say? I’m sorry, if that mat­ters. But I see a woman with big boobs and I start, you know, get­ting hard. It just hap­pens. Obvi­ously you don’t get it.”, there was a lit­tle anger in his voice. “And, by the way, I don’t espe­cially care if the woman is white, black, or green, if she has the boobs, she’s gots my attention.”

“I think I do get it Jesus. Aren’t you say­ing that life just hap­pens whether it’s big boobs or walk­ing on water.”

“Walk­ing on water — what’s that?”, Jesus asked, absentmindedly.

“You know. The time when you walked on water. I don’t really know the Bible, but I know the story of you walk­ing on water is some­where in there.”

“Oh God. It’s just a stu­pid story writ­ten by peo­ple who needed to believe that mir­a­cles can hap­pen. Frankly, it’s embar­rass­ing. I never walked on water, although I have walked in water, but I guess that’s not much of a mir­a­cle. But it is! That’s the mir­a­cle. But, you know, peo­ple need these ridicu­lous sto­ries to give them hope while they live a life of mis­ery. It’s kind of sad.”

I noticed that he was look­ing at a mid­dle aged brunette with a very curvy body. He was sud­denly dis­tracted. So I leaned over and whis­pered, “Hey quite a body over there. Pretty sexy.”, although she wasn’t all that good look­ing, she nonethe­less had Jesus’ rapt attention.

“So Jesus, what makes you a holy per­son?” He was clearly annoyed that I inter­rupted his excitement.

“I don’t know. If you want to believe that I’m a holy per­son then go ahead. I’m not stop­ping you. By the way, are you a yid — you kind of look it?”

“Do you mean a Jew?”

“Of course, jew, yid, hebe, you know what I’m talkin’ about.”, he said derisively.

“Yeah, I was born jew­ish, but I’m kind of an athe­ist now.”

“Kind of an athe­ist? What does that mean? How can you be ‘kind of’ an atheist?”

“It means that I really don’t believe in any gods, that life is just amaz­ing, bor­ing, lov­ing, hat­ing, or what­ever other form it takes and that’s pretty much it. What do you think Jesus? Your believ­ers say you’re the son of God?”

“Oy. More walk­ing on water bull­shit. It makes me sick. I’m just a man. Hey didn’t your Bud­dha say pretty much the same thing when he was sit­ting on his butt under the bodhi tree? I mean, aren’t you the “offi­cial” bud­dhist round here (how he knew that I didn’t know. Maybe it was a mir­a­cle). Why do these peo­ple need such sto­ries. Pathetic in a way. Yo dude, it’s been real talk­ing to a lands­man, ‘sort of’, but I’m kind of dis­tracted right now and this con­ver­sa­tion is get­ting a lit­tle … you know, boring.”

“Hey Jesus, I have this Lib­er­a­tion from the Lie Blog and I just wanted to ask you if you have words of wis­dom that you would like me impart to my read­ers before you go.”

He paused in thought and then he said, “Well, I don’t know if you’d call it wis­dom, but you’re not the first per­son to ask me this ques­tion”, he said with a smirk, but he con­tin­ued, “Just stop.”, he said with tired empha­sis. “Tell your read­ers to stop look­ing out­side them­selves. Stop look­ing at their frankly two-dimensional pro­jec­tion they have about reg­u­lar guys like me. If they really want to expe­ri­ence a mir­a­cle in their lives, let them look into a mir­ror and say, ‘A mir­a­cle is hap­pen­ing’ and live that truth. How’s that?”

“That’s really good. Thanks Jesus, you are pretty amazing.”

“So are you.”

And then he entered the crowd around the crowded bar in the direc­tion of the woman with the big boobs.

Did you find this infor­ma­tion help­ful? If you did, con­sider donat­ing.

The Jesus Speaks About Boobs: A Talk the Author Had with the Actual Jesus of Nazareth by , unless oth­er­wise expressly stated, is licensed under a Cre­ative Com­mons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.